Thoughts and Words
by Chyna Rose
Summary: See the secret pain of the Digidestened. More angst than drama. Says little, implies a lot. please r/r
1. The Draw of Darkness

The Draw of Darkness

By Chyna Rose (chynarose8@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.I don't follow the show all that well, so forgive me if they seem out of character or off cannon.I **think** this just may be plausible in some way, but I'm not betting on it.I don't own the rights to 'Silent all These Years' or 'Black Dove'.I do, however, own a copy of the songs on cd.This is my first fanfic involving Digimon.Send feedback.

***@-----*** 

Darkness.

It always comes back to darkness. 

The darkness that throws me away when I wake up.

The darkness that mercifully engulfs me when I fall asleep.

I live for the darkness.

And I wonder…

I wonder.

"Excuse me but can I be you for a while.My dog won't bite if you sit real still. I've got the…"

Morning.

The time I've come to dread in my deepest heart.

Yet today doesn't seem so bad.

I'm meeting my friends at the pool a while later.

For now, I have to put up with breakfast.

Another mask.

Another performance.

Another lie.

Another pancake.

"So what are your plans for today?"

"I'm supposed to meet my friends at the community pool.We plan to stay there most of the day.Afterwards we're going to go to Sora's house to watch some videos.I probably won't be home till late tonight."

"It's good that you're making friends.But I want you home by eleven."

Masquerade.

It's all a masquerade;

A parade of hidden faces.

We all wear too many masks.

Hiding from even ourselves.

Almost nine thirty.

And it takes about fifteen minutes to get to the pool.

I'd better get ready.

"Hi Kari."

"Hey Izzy."

"Who else is here?"

"Tai, TK, and Matt.Sora's gonna be a little late.She had to help her mom at the shop."

"Kari… Oh hey, Izzy.You're here.Great! We could use another referee."

"Hey TK.… Referee?"

"Are Matt and my brother trying to kill each other **again**?"

"Afraid so Kari.We better stop them before someone drowns."

Water.

Drowning.

Would it be so bad?

The cool water caressing the body,

So soothing. 

To just let go;

It would be **so** easy…

Just drifting away.

Like my gaze drifts.

An empty gaze.

Looking without seeing.

Just a wandering stair.

Meaning nothing.

Yet I see something-

Someone…

Someones.

Joe and Mimi.

Together.

"Joe, you came.I didn't think that you'd join us till later."

"Why wouldn't I come?Since I had to have a gym class, I figured that I'd learn to swim.After my track record with water, it had to be better than drowning.Turns out I'm pretty good at it."

"Way to go Joe."

"You've got to be kidding."

"Shut up Tai."

"Really.I've even been offered a place on the swim team if I ever want it.The coach says I have the build for it.But if you can't believe even **that**, then you probably won't believe who I found wandering around."

"Hey guys."

"Mimi!" 

"I just came in from America yesterday.I was on my way to surprise you guys when Joe found me.I was worried that…"

God!

Look at them.

They can barely stop from touching each other.

Kinda like the way Tai and Matt are always doing-

But with less violence.

How can I tell them?

Any of them.

What I feel;

How I feel my heart shatter whenI seem them-

Joe and Mimi;

Together.

They are my friends.

But I just can't tell them.

They wouldn't understand.

"So what have you guys been up to lately?"  
TK and I've been busy making sure **these guys** don't do maim each other.I **swear**, they can't go five minutes without an attack."

"I've been thinking of askingSora and Jun to drag Matt and Tai to opposite ends ofObidia, just so Kari and I can take a break."

"We've got to plan it carefully though.Matt avoids Jun like the plague normally.And with our luck, chances are that they'll bump into each other anyway."

"At least I won't be the one to play peacemaker when they do."

"Thanks a lot Kari."

"So what about you Izzy?Izzy?Izzy?"

Darkness.

It always comes back to darkness.

It began in darkness,

It ends in darkness.

How fitting.

I only hope my friends can forgive me my trespasses.

They don't understand the darkness/

Or why it lures me into itself.

_"She was a January girl.She never let on how insane it was.In that tiny kinda scary house. By the woods, by the woods, by the woods."_

***@-----*** 

Author's Note: I left things ambiguous on purpose.Does Izzy have a crush on Mimi or on Joe.Do Matt and Tai love or hate each other.Did Izzy attempt suicide in the pool, or just space out for a bit.Will he try to kill himself?What is his secret?You are to draw your on conclusions based on your experiences and expectations.In other words, to paraphrase Madonna, 'You will only see what you want to see'.Feel free to tell me what you saw.Both the music and the form are deliberate.A while back I flirted with the thought/dialogue concept, and it didn't really work then but it works now.You were never meant to know everything in this piece. The music sets the tone.Both songs are by Tori Amos, and are pretty nice to listen to.The last song is there as a reader soundtrack.If you can't quite figure out the passage of time in this story, don't worry.The time through out the piece doesn't hold the same length.But the entire thing does take under twelve hours to occur.If anything else bothers you that you want to know, email me at chynarose8@hotmail.com.

** **


	2. Lullaby for Ken

Lullaby for Ken

By Chyna Rose ([chynarose8@hotmail.com][1])

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, I don't own 'Lullaby for Cain', I don't own The Talented Mr. Ripley.This is my second digific.

***@-----*** 

_"From the silence.From the night. Comes a distant lullaby."_

I know that they still hate me.

Why wouldn't they?

After all I have done,

How can they forgive me.

"Hey Ken!"

"Hello Davis."

"The rest of us were going to just hang out for a while; see the this new movie that just came out.It's supposed to be real good- if I can believe my sister, that is.Want to come."

"I see no reason not to."

This is a hoax; 

A lie.

They can't want me there.

There must be a catch.

After all I put them through,

How is it that they seem to have forgiven me?

"Looks like everybody's just about here."

"Hey guys!"

"Hey Tai.Hey Kari."

"Sorry if we're a bit late.Tai heard I was going to the movies and **insisted** on coming along."

"And since Tai's coming, **My **brother decided to come too."

"Hey TK, Matt."

"So what's this I hear about the movie?"

"Jun said it was spectacular; a murder mystery in fact.God! You should've seen her. She'd start gushing about it one moment then clap her hands over her mouth the next- said she didn't want to spoil it for me."

"The only other time I've ever heard of her acting like that, was when she got tickets to Matt's last concert.The movie must be good."

_"Then he stole your brother's life.Came home murdered piece of mine."_

I don't know what it is about this movie.

It **bothers** me.

I don't hate it-

It's too good for me to.

How can I explain why I… 

Wait.

I see it now.

It bothers me because I see myself in it.

He could be **me**.

He's who I was,

But am I still him?

This movie saddens me. 

He's not the villain.

I'm not a villain.

Can't they see that?

Could anyone ever forgive him for what he did?

What I did?

_ _

_"Left your nightmares on the pillow.Sleep now."_

It all goes back to my brother.

I loved him.

He was everything I wanted to be.

Everything I hated.

I hated him.

I hated him, because I couldn't be with him;

Couldn't be him. 

As much as I loved him,

As much as Ihated him,

I killed him.

I followed him that day.

He didn't want me around-

Not then, not ever.

I tried **so** hard to be quiet,

Make sure he didn't notice me.

I just **had** to touch him.

He turned to me in anger;

Stepped into the street.

Never saw the end coming.

He died hating me.

I would give anything for him to tell me he forgives me.

__

_"Cast into the dark. Branded with the mark.Of shame, of Cain."_

It changes you,

Killing someone you love.

I know I wasn't the one who struck him down.

But I might've well been.

After that came the numbness.

I cared for no one-

No one cared about me.

My parents said they still loved me,

But I knew they knew.

I was responsible for my brothers death.

I could see it in their eyes.

I doubted they ever forgave me.

"Wow.That was a cool movie."

"I can't believe he got away with **three** murders."

"It wasn't his fault."

"What do you mean 'it wasn't his fault'?!He **killed** three people in cold blood."

"I'm not saying that he didn't.All I'm saying is that circumstances forced him to do so."

"How?Just because he was poor, and sent to bring some rich guy back **doesn't mean he could blame the deaths on his circumstances**!"

"His circumstances include his mind set.He was mad!He was scared!And I'm pretty sure he was psychotic."

"What do you think Ken?"

"…"

What do I think?

What do I think?

Do they want to know what I think?

Truly?

How would they react if I told them I felt sorry for him.

That he was a tortured soul,

Wanting only what he could never have;

Become what he could never hope to be.

That I looked into his eyes and saw myself.

If they ever knew that,

That I identify with a killer.

Would they be able to ever forgive me?

"From the garden in God's light.To the wilderness of night.Sleep now."

It is hard for me to believe them.

I was their enemy.

I vowed to destroy them.

I never asked for their friendship;

Never expected it.

I am Ken.

I am Tom,

I am Richard, 

I am the Kaiser.

I am Kain.

How could they show me kindness when all I gave them contempt.

How dare they forgive me so easily!

When I cannot even forgive myself.

_"Sleep now."_

"Ken?"

***@-----*** 

Author's Note: Again with the ambiguity.Still a little fuzzy about the Tai/Matt issue, but I will address it in the future- as soon as I figure out where I stand on it.I tried my best not to give away the movie, The Talented Mr. Ripley.It's a great movie (imho) and I do suggest you see it.If you're not squeamish orhomophobic.I hoped I still had the people in character, although I know less about the second set of digidestined than I do about the first- and that's not a lot to begin with.Apparently this will be turned into a mini series.I didn't plan for that to happen, it's just how things are turning out.Truth is I never intended to write **any** Digimon fanfic.My muse has apparently decided differently.Feel free to send feedback.

   [1]: mailto:chynarose8@hotmail.com



	3. Tell it Again Joe

Tell it Again Joe

By Chyna Rose ([Chynarose8@hotmail.com][1])

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, Casablanca, or the Piano Man.This is my third Digimon fanfic- I may end up doing one for all the Digidestined from both season one and two.Send feedback.

***@-----***

Play it again Sam.

Casablanca, Hollywood, the 1950s.

The same old tune time and time again.

Everyone expected him to play it.

Did Sam even like 'it'?

He played 'it' again,

And again,

And again.

Did he ever come to hate it?

"I can't believe you didn't bring it!"

"I didn't know I was supposed to!"

"Tai, we only told you to bring it, oh about **a million** times!"

"You should know by now that you shouldn't rely on goggle head here.I'm surprised he remembered to come at all."

"Matt, **please** don't start this again."

"I'm not starting anything.I'm just stating a fact.Tai's the one who forgot to bring the…"

"Are you calling me irresponsible?!"

"Sure took you long enough to figure that out.Well they say that if the shoe fits, wear it."

"I am **not **irresponsible! And I'm not slow."

"Yeah right."

"Why I oughta…"

"Guys, enough of this!Break it up.You both are acting worse than a pair of three year olds."

"But he started it…"

"I did not start this, you did."

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not."

"Did to…"

"Joe!I swear we can't take these two anywhere. They are absolutely **impossible**."

Play it again Sam,

The same old song.

The same old fight.

Same old responses. 

Predictable.

Boring.

Don't they ever get tired of it all?

I know I do.

It's like a dance with us.

They fight,

We complain,

We break it up.

A song;

Note after note,

Chord after chord,

Refrains repeating into infinity-

The Matt verses Tai chorus. 

"Now, **if** you two can stop fighting for five minutes, we've got a lot of work to do.Matt and TK, you take one side of the room.Sora, you and Tai take the other.Put up decorations, set up the tables and chairs, and stay out of each others way.I **don't** want another fight breaking out today.Izzy can you set up the music with Joe?I'll start getting the refreshments ready."

Good ole Sam,

Play it again.

I know it's all you play,

But you don't mind.

Just **once** I'd like to change;

Play something new.

Be **anything** but reliable.

Ask me to pick up the cake,

Tote the boxes,

Stop the match,

Stall the guest of honor,

Capture the moon, 

Play it again.

Ordinary or impossible,

Ask and it shall be done;

For I am Joe the Reliable. 

"When do you think Cody will get here?"

"Not for at least an hour.Yolie and Davis are going to keep him busy before then."

"Is Ken coming?"

"I don't know.Last time I talked to Davis, Davis said he might."

"You know, I just thought of something."

"**That's** a stretch."

"Shut up Matt!"

"Make me!"

"Guys! For the **last** time; stop fighting.Now what were you saying Tai?"

"Why is it that Davis seems to know Ken's every move?"

"They're friends."

"And Kari, didn't you say that Davis was the first to forgive Ken; even before he had a chance to prove that he had changed?"

"Your point Tai?"

"You don't think that they're…"

"God, you're such an idiot!"

"Tai, Ken and Davis are just friends, nothing more.In fact they both have crushes on me.Ken just happens to be a little more subtle then Davis on that front."

"What's it matter to you if they are, anyway?I'm pretty sure they don't speculate about you and Sora that way."

"Leave me and Sora out of this!"

"Touchy.You saying there's something going on between you two that we don't know about?"

"I am not saying anything.We're just friends.Can't a guy and a girl be friends without everyone thinking that they're in love?"

"You're the one who started it with thinking Ken and Davis are together.I mean, you might as well say that there's something between **us**."

"You are **so** dead Matt!"

"Tai, Matt, **shut up**! Tai, go to the bakery and pick up the cake now- like you were supposed to in the first place."

"If you don't get lost first, that is."

"That's **it**! You are toast!"

"**I'll** go pick up the cake Kari."

"Thanks Joe.I knew I could always count on you.As opposed to these boneheads here."

Count on you.

Play it again;

Till your fingers bleed,

And you hear 'it' in you head wherever you go.

Play it again;

Until you get so sick of it,

You scream and smash the piano.

Play it like clockwork,

So you don't even have to think about it.

You sit down,

And you play automatically.

There is no room for change.

Try as you might, 

No matter what you promise yourself, 

You are reliable.

You always can be counted on,

To do the same thing,

Play the same song.

You've played it all your life.

You've always been asked to do it,

And done what you've been asked to do.

Once more and again.

It has taken over you soul Sam,

As my song has stolen mine.

We sit at our respective pianos;

Shouldering our respective burdens.

And after we have nothing more left to give, 

We will sit there,

And play the damned song again.

_"Sing us a song you're the piano man.Sing us a song tonight.For we're all in the mood for a melody.And you have us feeling all right."_

***@-----*** 

Author's Note: I've done it again, it seems.I never thought I'd write Digimon fanfic, let alone a series of it.And I'm still doing the ambiguity thing.As the series stands, there will be Taito.I think.I probably **should** mention that I'm becoming a big fan of Taito- but will read most any yaoi.I think all the Kensuke has seeped into my brain; I'm starting to see the odd coincidences that 'support' that pairing in the show.At least I think I am.Who's to say none of the Digidestined can't see something between those two- even if it's simply a trick of the light, or a projection of themselves.The words that look smaller than the others, are words said mainly to the speaker's self.You know, that thing muttered under your breath that you don't want any one else to hear.This fic was written between 1 am and 2 am.It sounded like a good idea at the time.Let me know what you think. 

   [1]: mailto:Chynarose8@hotmail.com



	4. Psychic Pslam #1

Psychic Psalm #1

By Chyna Rose

# Pain 

# I live with the pain all the time

# I can't escape the pain

# I hate the pain

# I look to end the pain

# Darkness

# Why won't it come off

## The blood

It stains my hands

How can I get it off

How can I get clean

I want to be clean again

### Another day

Another promise

Another day

Another class

Another day

Another favor

# Pain

# It leaves me tired all the time

# It fills my soul

# It is my constant companion

It makes me wish for release

Darkness

## God what have I done

The blood

It keeps growing

No matter what I do

It keeps coming

I can't get clean

### Another day

Another errand

Another loaf of bread

Another letter mailed

Another suit picked up

Another trip out of my way

Pain

Can't sleep

Can't eat

Can't smile

Can't forget

Darkness

## The blood

Dear God 

The blood

It covers me

It won't go away

It will **never** go away

### Another dollar lent

Another light bulb changed

Another item fetched

Another tab paid

Another damn day

Another opportunity to change wasted

The knife calls to me

## Can blood wash away blood

### An ultimate act that no-one would expect 

Freedom from pain

## Freedom from guilt

### Freedom from tedium 

But do I take that step

## Put more blood on my hands

### Break from the reliable routine I know so well 

It's hard to go on

## The past is a stain that will not go away

Yet I will continue on to do what others want me to do


End file.
